A scream into the abyss

I’m not having a good day, today. Definitely not right now. I’m wishing I were someone else. I’m cursing the fact that I care too much, speak too much and feel too much.

At the same time, I know those details could be the best things about me. So, why aren’t they? Why was I made with too much if I’m only going to hate it?

I can be so aggressive with my love. I’ve always been left with that “too much” feeling. I feel so out of place. I feel like there isn’t a single person out there who I could fit with, while being 100% myself, in any type of relationship. I want there to be though. I want to truly connect with someone! I want to be seen, heard, appreciated and loved without feeling like I have to hold myself back or try to be some other way. I also don’t want anyone else to feel they have to change, or hold themselves back, for me.

I’m so fucking lonely, even with people around. I’m really sad. I wish I didn’t feel like I needed people. I wish I didn’t want a connection unlike all the others. I wish I had known how much heartache and insanity I’d encounter on a search for this connection. Had I known, I’d have hid myself away from everyone, forever. I’d do so now but once again, I care too fucking much, I’m afraid of whose heart I’d hurt by leaving because I do truly and deeply love the few people I have in my life. But, it hurts too much. And I know they love me, or at least want to. But, they don’t know how to handle all my “excess.”

I feel like it’s exhausting and frustrating to be me because despite our love for one another, no one in my circle truly “gets me.” I’m constantly finding myself having to explain or reiterate. Things I say are constantly taken out of context: “No, that’s not at all what I meant!” My need for answers and clarity drive the people in my circle over the edge. I ask too many questions, I don’t know when to “let go,” or “just drop it.”

My intuition is very high, if there’s proof to be seen, it’s always proven to be true. The issue comes when there isn’t proof to be seen or heard along with my intuition. Let’s say, my gut is telling me someone is upset with me. It won’t shut up about it, red flags and sirens going off throughout my whole body. I’ll ask them “Are you mad at me?” Them- “No, but if you keep assuming, I will be!” Well, the sirens are still blaring and the flags are still waving, and I can’t just “drop it.” I hate tension. I don’t want to brush it under the rug, only to have it seep out again later. I want to get rid of the tension forever if possible or at least find a way to keep it caged in a corner. But I can’t force anyone to be as brutally honest and passionately driven to expose the truth as I am.

These are just a couple things, I’m sure I could continue on and on and once again be “too much.”

I’d love to hear thoughts on this… Do you believe anyone can make a relationship work with anyone? Or are there people who just “won’t fit,” no matter the efforts?

I believe everyone can get to a point of being civil and friendly with anyone/everyone else. However, I believe there are certain people who can only “fit” for certain periods of time or in certain situations. There, in my opinion, are going to be parts of people’s personalities that just won’t match up well enough to have an almost constant, naturally flowing, happy and healthy relationship. Everyone has disagreements and even occasion fights but shouldn’t any relationship, for the most part, have “good flow?”

This is what terrifies me. Do I just not “naturally fit” well enough for any of the people I currently love? Is there even a person out there that would “fit” with me well enough to give me the connection I crave? Or am I just being ridiculous? I do tend to have a hard time separating reality with fantasy…

I’m tired so lost. So stuck. I don’t know what to do.

Morality: My take.

“Every question of morality will be answered with subjectivity.”

So, does that mean that there aren’t any objective morals? Lookey there, that will also be answered subjectively. Haha. This post will also be filled with my subjective opinions and beliefs. Which is why questions like this, drive my passion to investigate, as well as frustrate me, with lack of absolute answers! Without undeniable proof, it’s all speculation! I want to know know but I only know! If that even makes sense.

Maybe in the perfect world I always daydream of, we could collectively come together, to find our objective moral code. If, there are indeed, objective morals to find at all. A world where everyone is completely balanced, healthy and perfectly aligned with their soul. Maybe, just maybe. Until then, we’re left only to be guided by our subjective moral compasses. What we, individually, feel to be right and wrong. I believe it’s really important to find out what our individual morals are and to explore what that means for/to us.

I’m full of strong, passionate opinions and this post will be purely about my opinions/beliefs. You don’t have to agree with me, you can even tell me why you don’t. I am perfectly fine with people believing differently than me. Just keep your intentions pure, I’m not meaning to offend, if I do so. I will never intend to belittle, mock or offend anyone. I feel that I’m right, of course or I wouldn’t believe what I do, but I don’t know know lol, so you could be right and I could be wrong. I love learning another’s beliefs because of this.

I personally, believe there is an objective set of moral codes. Codes that we are not necessarily bound to but ones that are detremintal to “out purpose.” A guideline of how to better navigate our imperfect journeys. I believe, we’re all on completely different and unique paths that can all end up at a single destination. I do believe that if everyone were perfect, we would find that we all naturally had the same moral codes anyways, because we’d then have “clear sight,” if you will. Holding this belief, I have to also believe then, that our individual subjections, can change, mature or mutate overtime. That goes into the individuality of our journeys and our unique reactions to unique trials. I believe, it’s our unhealthy, imbalanced and imperfect selves that blind us to an ideal objective goal, leaving us all with possible and likely skewed, subjective morals.

I do know what I believe to be included in these objective moral codes, that I do, believe us to have. They are of equal importance because they connect together to build a perfect whole, in my opinion. Explaining what I believe in a clear enough fashion, for you to understand as well, that’s another story. I shall try still….

In my head it’s very simple….

Cause no intentional harm, physical, mental or emotional, to yourself or others. Now for explaining… Key word is intentional. In this imperfect world, we aren’t perfectly aligned and from time to time, we hurt others when using our defensive “auto-pilot mind.” So, don’t beat yourself up when you slip into auto-pilot and cause yourself or others pain. Moral sub-rule: If, you intentionally cause harm, the right thing to do is accept it, see your fault, fix it to the best of your ability, LEARN what you can and GROW from it.

Help others to the best of your current ability. Complexities of this moral code seem to go on and on….. 1.) It’s again not a perfect world. We will not be able to help everyone we come across who needs it. Good thing is, someone else behind you, will probably be equiped and ready to. 2.) Do what you can, when you can. Don’t beat yourself up if you’re unable to help. Especially when it comes to those you love and emotional problems. We have our own problems, helping ourselves become whole, has to take main priority. This is because, if we break, we can’t help. If helping someone will in turn, shrink or deteriorate your growth or divert you from the path of alignment, I believe you shouldn’t. For example, I used every resource and idea that became available to me to try and help my dad through his emotional pain because I believe I’m obligated to at least try. However after exhausting every avenue, it’s clear at this plateau of my life, I’m not able to keep trying. Failing to get through to him, made me bitter, mean and manipulative, which was starting to not only cause harm to him but completely stunted my growth. I had to let his problems go. I still worry but remind myself that he knows he could ask for help if he wanted.
3.) Helping doesn’t mean giving them what they think they need or what they directly ask for. For example: If a heavily disabled homeless man, asks you for money for food and it’s technically in your means to be able to give them $20, should you? Not in my interpretation of moral absolutes. That would be a subjective choice and choosing not to, isn’t wrong. We do live in an imperfect world, they could use the $20 for drugs instead. You never truly know anymore. I don’t have to support drugs or even possible drugs. I do, however, believe it is my moral obligation to offer him food, if it’s within my means to do so.

It really does seem simple to understand but every time I’ve had this conversation with others, it does get very complex trying to explain it. These two broad rules are the only ones I currently believe to be part of an objective goal.

Laying this all out has definitely helped me to see that I do indeed believe we/I have a creator. God. A creator who has an ultimate goal or purpose for each and everyone of us. A creator who has a “heaven” for us if and when we acheive our purpose, whatever that is. I don’t necessarily know what I truly believe about our creator other than I believe we do have one. Once I find my moral code, I’ll see where and if, it fits within any specific religions or philosophies.

I’d love to hear anyone’s thoughts, beliefs or option this topic!

Doing what I can, when I can.

The secret of change is to focus all of your energy, not on fighting the old, but building the new.

– Socrates

Although my surrender has gotten me to basic survival mode again, It’s time I start actually implementing positive change; Even if I don’t feel like it.

I have made some progress for sure, like maintaining this blog. Although, I haven’t posted everyday like I had planned, I’m doing a pretty good job still. That in itself deserves recognition and self praise. It’s further than I’ve been before. It’s a lot easier to do things you actively (current state of self) like to do, though.

In my mess, I had let my house and my once, beloved property go to ruins. All the while, hating myself for it. I was so far behind on all of it that it felt unbearable. In my worst, I had done the absolute bare minimum, just to keep my animals from dying and roaches out of my house. This added to my self hate.

Every night now, for a week, I’ve gone to bed with the next day planned perfectly. I go to bed feeling confident and certain that I’ll be getting everything done the next day. All if it. Then the next day comes…..

I have felt so overwhelmed that it’s been paralyzing. I can maybe get one or two small tasks done before my depression wakes from her nap. Then she makes me realize I can’t accomplish everything I had put on my list the night before. With her convincing voice, she tells me it’s pointless because I won’t maintain anything. She’s a perfectionist. Her negative voice is brutally vicious and utterly convincing.

Not long after I start to listen to her voice, I’m back to where I am most mornings. Hell hound emotions running rampant. Self hate vomiting from my lips….. I give up too. Ya know, cause it’s pointless. Deep down I know what I’m doing is wrong. These chores aren’t going to accomplish themselves and the longer I put it all off, the worse and harder it’ll get. I used to actually enjoy my chores. I just can’t hear my soul over this monster of a negative voice most of the time.

Yesterday, was my first day completely off in literally, months. Free of work, obligations and any outside pressure. I actually woke up in a decent mood. I felt empowered once again. Then I remembered that I got carried away with feeling empowered the last time and never used the energy for implementing any changes.

During my recent, nightly “self talk ups,” I came to know quite a bit. Things actually became true; not that the weren’t already. Things finally clicked.

I know I can’t do anything if I’m just fighting the consequences of the old me. I know I have to instead build a new me. I can’t build a new me overnight. It’s going to take time, perseverance and a true effort. So, I will not fight the old, I will instead build the new until it pushes the old out.

I need to take advantage of every positive feeling and motivation that comes to me instead of solely taking in the feeling, just because it’s rare to feel right now. I need to run with it, keep it going as long as I can. Build the new me every chance I get! It’ll only bring my self closer to my soul and make the next day a little more bearable.

I actually implemented all of this knowledge, yesterday and wow! I kicked ass! Now I do believe, having my first complete day free of outside pressure helped me BUT still. Why did this take me so long?

I started the day in a good mood, got a couple small tasks out of the way and at the first shrill from my depression, I pushed harder instead of just listening to her. This was the hardest part, it was soley, pure, 100% will power. I jumped into another task, one I did actually want to do. Oddly enough, I love weeding. I needed to weed. So I weeded. It’s like therapy, once I’m doing it. This helped charge me up and keep my mind calm.

I kept this up, ALL day, yesterday! I worked down from things I know I used to actually love to do most, to things I liked to do least. This made it bearable and kept helping me build a new me. A me who can now say, “Look at what I am strong enough to do!” “Look at all I accomplished!” “I can do this again!”

Half way through the day, I became an Energizer Bunny! Other than still needing a mow, my property is back to resembling my beloved comfort zone. My flowers can breathe, my trees aren’t tearing down my house with branches. My porch is clean, all the loose trash from over the last few months is bagged. Everything that could have been burnt was raked, pulled, cut or clipped and all thrown in the fire pit. Chicken area was cleaned. And more. I mean, I really, really did it.

No, I still didn’t get everything on my list done. I’m sure if I focused on that thought, it would really start to effect me. However, I keep reminding myself that every task I did complete, pulled my soul that much closer to attaching to my self. I keep reminding myself that it’s okay to only do what I can do, as long as I DO make sure to DO something when I can.

Today, although there have been tough spots, I think I’ve done better still than I have been. I would’ve continued on work outside but it’s raining now and I have worked all day. So, overall, another good day building on the new.

Don’t fight your old, build your new any chance you get!

Remember, if I can, you can too!

Recognition; Not blame. Parent’s aren’t perfect.

It’s a tough world out there.

In a perfect world, one that I daydream of frequently, there would be perfect parents. Children would be raised knowing the importance of finding where their soul, and self, align. They would be raised through the years with that as their main quest. They wouldn’t marry or have kids of their own until they were without fault and completely at peace. Then and only then, would they be able to raise children of their own, perfectly. Children that wouldn’t be negatively impacted by the faults, mistakes and downfalls of their imperfect parents. However, I suppose the children would have to be kept away from anyone who hasn’t achieved perfection already. Since we’re actually influenced by everyone we’re around.

This perfect world doesn’t exist and sadly, most likely, never will. This means that as children are raised, parents negative aspects will be a major influence on their young minds. Especially, if the parents are never self-aware and are just living what I call an autopilot life. This can cause a repeated cycle of similar issues through the family tree for generations. Being a not so good example to children, can impact them, in not so good ways. This hurts them.

People have heartaches, sadness, traumas and pain and when you live an unaware, autopilot life, you can really cause damage to others by your words and actions due to your pain. Hurt people, hurt people. That’s the reality of this life. It just isn’t a perfect world. My personal, long held belief, is that 99% of the world’s population, truly has good intentions and hearts that want to be pure. Since life isn’t perfect though, mistakes will be made, bad emotions will at times take the forefront, and we are all able to lose control of ourselves. We can cause another major pain by trying to recklessly smother our own. From personal experience, I know at a certain point of hurt, you quit actively thinking, and just react. Holding this belief and knowledge, helps me to be understanding and more importantly, forgiving. I don’t like to place blame, unless absolutely necessary. Instead, I try to just recognize pain and forgive.

Forgiveness, is not a blindfold.

Being understanding and forgiving runs parallel with enabling and entrapment. It can be very easy to jump to the other side without realizing it. You do have to be very careful because of this.

You want to be understanding. Knowing that the pain they are throwing at you, is due to worse pain of their own, but do not let it happen. You need to walk away. Leave them to themselves, respectfully. Let The Hulk hulk out for a bit. He’ll get tired and leave Bruce in his place. Once Bruce is once again present, he will likely be shaken and solely upset that he’d lost control of himself. Now is your chance to offer comfort and an ear. Be gentle but honest. They need to seek help before The Hulk becomes a full-time resident.

More for your sake but also theirs, you want to forgive but not enable. If your loved one, no matter who it is, hulks out on a regular, it may be best to leave for an extended period of time. Or at least until they surrender and seek the help they need to. You can’t stay with or constantly be around someone who’s so currently damaged that they rip you to shreds everyday. You stay around because you want to help them but if they lead you to a point of needing help yourself, you’re fighting a losing battle. You won’t be able to help them at all, if you get pulled down to their level. Put distance between you two.

The 1%

Then there is that 1% we’re left with. Who makes up this 1%? In my opinion…. It’s the people who don’t feel. The ones who hurt others, with words and actions, purposefully and mindfully. The ones who, for whatever reason, don’t feel quilt or shame if they hurt you. They’re also the serial killers and rapists. The child abusers who don’t see any fault in their actions. I believe these types of people don’t have a conscience. That’s dangerous. Unfortunately, these types of people can also be parents as well. In which case, I honestly would have no answers.

My early years

(Infancy – 7yrs.)

I don’t recall much of my early childhood. I do however, know what my family says, and I’ve seen enough home videos. From my current understanding, I was a very bright, happy and self entertaining little girl.

My parents started dating in highschool. My mom was a beautiful, quiet, skinny geek and my dad was the popular, rebellious quarterback. They both have “joked” to me, that the only reason my dad dated my mom was because he was dared to. I kind of believe it. They are polar opposites. My dad was a man whore, my mom has only ever been with him. They married right out of school and had me a year later. I was planned and I was actually supposed to be twins! There were two sacs and two heartbeats, until my mom took a fall over a kiddy gate. By the next check up, I was the only one left. I morbidly joke to them that I ate the good one. My mom said I was a super easy baby. Didn’t fuss much, hardly got sick and I slept the whole night through. To entertain myself during the day, they said I liked to scribble, color, play in the dirt or with our pets. I have always gravitated towards animals. Always, still to this day. Although, even that passion had started to die. Animals have been a constant in my life. I also loved being adored!!!! I was a camera whore! If there was a camera or god forbid, a video camera, I was right there, face all in the lens. Batting eyelashes, tilting my little head. Absorbing all the attention and admiration I could get. Still to this day, I crave ALL of the attention, but don’t believe in myself enough anymore to “go get it” or to even accept it when it’s offered.

From what I remember and what I’ve seen, I was absolutely in love with life at a young age. I adored my mom (still do), she was the one I went to when I was sick or emotional. She was always able to take the edge off. I was absolutely daddy’s little girl though; his partner in crime. I walked in his shadow, he was my hero.

I was the first grandchild and only granddaughter, so I was overly spoiled but never became rotten. I’m not sure if it was ingrained in me, bred into me, designed into my core or what, but I’ve always been very humble and understanding. I never pitched a fit when I was told no or if my mom couldn’t afford something I wanted. You see, I come from a long line of poor folks. We didn’t have many extras and sometimes we didn’t have all we needed. Truth be told, I wouldn’t have changed it for the world. We lived in a couple different, small mobile homes in the same bad neighborhood, my entire childhood, for all but a year or 2. We were however, surrounded by extended family. I had older, 2nd and 3rd cousins, right next door, to each side, but still I’m told, I preferred my alone time. My mom stayed home with me for a little bit after I was born while my dad worked, but I always stayed with a family member while they were away. Never daycare.

I never asked for a sibling, like some children do but sometime when I was 5, I was promoted to “big sister.” My mom has told me that I was an amazing big sister. So sweet, helpful and loving, that is until he started to walk. I asked that he be taken back haha. My brother was born with a few heart issues and basically lived in the hospital for the first couple years of his life. I’m not consciously aware of that taking a toll on me but our brains are funny things, and that could have made me feel like I wasn’t getting the attention I had grown accustomed to. Idk. I truly hope not. Lol.

I didn’t have any specific tragic events take place early on, that I’m aware of. The first person I lost, was my grandpa on my mom’s side. I was 7 and he lived in another state. My mom didn’t take me to the funeral because she thought I wouldn’t take it well. I don’t think it bothered me at all. I’m an out of sight, out of mind type of person, for the most part.

I don’t truly remember much this early on. Still, knowing what I do at 27, I can speculate. Having the observation and intuition I have, helped me piece together certain aspects that I’m sure play a role in who I am today and the obstacles I’ll face in order to find my peace.

My mom grew up, living only with only her mother and she was a terrible one. My mom moved out, after losing a tooth to a wall, at 16. Soon after, she moved in with my dad. She has never truly had confidence, hardly any friends and she instantly made my dad her entire world. This means, she let him get away with all sorts of behavior she shouldn’t have. When it eventually turned into verbal/emotional abuse, she just took it and eventually came to somewhat believe it all. She has always been a hermit and a major book worm. She has a HUGE heart and loves with all she has. I grew up with my mom as an example. As I got older and she started really talking to me, she always gave me advice that I didn’t see herself take. Not to let guys treat me bad or take advantage of me. To believe I was beautiful and special. To actually believe in myself. I knew her advice was spot on, because I saw her living the opposite example. However, I never applied it. My mom had big dreams when she was a kid, I wish she had found the help she needed to achieve them.

My dad has been a harder one to crack for sure. He was the oldest of 4 and I’ve heard he didn’t have the greatest childhood, due to his father being an alcoholic. This didn’t do anything to stop him from becoming an alcoholic himself though. He’s a jack of all trades and when he’s feeling good on the inside, you won’t meet a more caring man. He has a HUGE heart but it’s been buried deep. He doesn’t talk about his emotions and is so stubborn. Instead of talking, he goes outside to drink and blare sappy, old country music. He’s had that habit for as long as I can remember. I know my dad is an amazing person deep down. I do remember a time when I didn’t see a fault in him at all. He thinks he can fix it with prayers and winning the lotto. He’s steadily gotten worse through the years and has shared his pain with us all but not in a confiding way. He makes us feel it too. I truly believe that he wants to “get better,” he’s just not sure how. I have deeply struggled with my dad’s issues for years and years. Wanting to fix him. To help him. He’s obviously hurting and has been for some time. I’m actually a lot like him too. Both good and bad ways. I don’t like feeling weak, I hate to show my tears. Have you ever heard “Anger is sadnesses bodyguard?” My dad and I have the biggest, meanest bodyguards around. I’m a fighter, in a physical and emotional way. This is a big quality that doesn’t match up with my personality profiles. This makes me wonder if I gained that “quality” solely from my dad. Maybe, if I can find my inner peace, I’ll show him it’s possible.

Remember, people only hurt others because they are hurting themselves. I don’t blame my parents for anything EVEN IF their actions helped send my soul off into the breeze. I’ve relentlessly blasted others with my pain when I’m hurting. It’s human. I do however, like to recognize how their habits, hurts and “issues,” may have impacted me. I’ll be exploring this information more deeply and using the insights to better navigate the rest of my journey.

Thank you for reading! If anything is confusing or you have questions, let me know!

Current self observation

I have always believed that life has a way of presenting just what you need, right when you need it. I found myself with a case of writers block and came upon this gem of a post. It inspired me, got the words flowing and most importantly, made me feel so understood. She’s a fellow INFJ and we share very similar views. She’s inspiring and super in depth, more so than I could bring myself to be. I highly recommend following her as well, or at the very least, read this linked blog post. It’ll help to get a better understanding of what I’m currently trying to do. She refers to a process, she calls “soul searching,” and explains what I’m doing, way better than I could have. I love her work so far and can’t wait to read more. Anyhow, here’s my ramble…

https://www.barbedwireandlaceblog.com/soul-work-what-it-is-and-why-it-matters/

Self observation:

Where I am now. How I see myself currently. What I feel like overall, right now. Well, simply put, I am utterly lost. I am deeply depressed, I have crippling anxiety, zero self esteem and an anger that would rival hell hounds. However, I feel like I need to give a general background account (last 3-4 years) to fully give a good image of how I ended up where I am today.

I’m not aware of when exactly, the bad started to greatly outweigh the good, but I did feel something bad coming. I felt myself starting to seriously fray, 2 or 3 years ago. It caused a major panic. For the first time, I truly and fully felt the affect of being out of balance. I’m sorry if I seem scattered or if I’m hard to follow. I’m hoping to find answers as I go. I have a hard time making sense of anything alone, inside of my head. I’ve always had a clearer understanding of myself after I speak or write. That’s mainly why I’m trying my best to be dedicated to this blog! I truly believe this will help me.

I’ve been with my husband for 9 years, we’ve been married for 5. My husband is amazing and was so, superhuman strong for me for so long, once my issues started to surface full-time. He did, and still does, his absolute best for me. Unfortunately though, nothing got through to me for any extended period of time, my darkness proved to be stronger. So, he never got a win. Winning and fixing are a big thing for him. Once my actions and lack of progress took it’s toll on his self, our marriage started to suffer and only got worse as time went on. At some point in this, we were both so desperate to fix our marriage and ourselves, that we went to some extreme measures. We were blindly, flailing about, trying to grasp anything that would give us a sense of calm and hope. I’m certain that I’ll post a more in depth and explanatory post about my husband I and our desperate measures, but for now I’ll give a general idea. Overnight it seemed to everyone, we both jumped head first into being “the best Christian’s” we could be. We sold everything and gave up so much. We quit drinking, which fizzled out our active friendships. I didn’t work already but Jeff left his job and we attempted to have our own business. We went crazy, with good intentions. None of it worked. I felt we tried everything and I eventually decided all of it was for nothing. Bitterness. Then, everything got worse. I didn’t shower for days, shave for weeks or even get out of bed some days. I would jump between bawling and screaming. I quit going in anywhere, I made my husband start going in alone, to order my food, shop for groceries, and I even had him take over my calls and texts. I still don’t know why he’s stuck around. The negative voice, that everyone has occasionally, became the only one I heard. I deleted almost everyone off social media, ended friendships and distanced myself from everything I had once loved. I lost weight and I’m naturally very small to begin with. 80lbs though, yikes. I was at my wit’s end and was lashing out at everything that caused me any pain. Almost an entire year, I went without speaking to my family. We had a major fall out due the effects of my extreme behavior. My relationship with my husband definitely started taking the beating of a lifetime. I’d wake up full of rage, every single morning. I could go on and on but I’ve explained enough for now.

Self preservation instinct.

I’m not much further but an inch gives me hope.

I’ve suffered from major depression since I was 14. One thing I do know for sure about me is that somewhere deep down, (maybe it’s my soul not wanting me to give up on it,) I have self preservation to my core. A few months ago, it kicked into gear once again, and got me to basic survival mode and instilled a sense of hopeful surrender. I’m not in any way fixed, or even calm. Mainly all the above is still affecting me to various degrees but I do however have my appetite back, which is usually huge, btw. I still can’t eat if I’ve just recently been upset though. I actually shower almost everyday. On really bad days, I still can’t find motivation to shower but I never go more than 2 days now. Yay me! The negative voice is still there but I do hear that encouraging, positive one now too. It’s just not loud, yet. While I still wake up full of rage most mornings, I do actually have an occasional good one. I do stay in the truck most of the time still but I do go in places occasionally. I also go visit my family again. My husband and I are working on things but we’ve fallen in a habitual pattern by now so it’s not going to be easy. I believe we can, if we truly want to. We are both seeking help on our personal issues as well. I know it doesn’t sound like much but honestly, it’s so big for me. If I can do it 1 time out of a 1000, that means I can eventually do it 500 times out of 1000, which at this point would seem like heaven to me.

Well, I’m tired and getting anxiety, so I’m quickly wrapping this up and publishing it before I wind up not. I hope as time goes on, I make clearer sense to you and myself.

Find out how you’re wired

Knowing my true self; that is what I want to achieve.

I have always had a drive to understand why I am the way I am and why others do the things they do. I always found myself checking out psychology and self help books. I’d get lost on Google searches and spend hours scrolling forum feeds. Eventually, all of it lead me to personality tests. I believe they are VERY helpful and accurate. I will be referring to my types and results quite frequently in my posts. I truly encourage anyone who hasn’t already, to go take some personality tests. Read into how they work. Be honest and open with your answers. Don’t be afraid to test 2-3 times over a couple weeks. I hope you get your “Aha!” moment from the results like I did.

My suggestions are any form of the MBTI and Enneagram tests. I personally am an MBTI – INFJ and my Enneagram is 4w5 the Bohemian.

For those of you who are also junkies of similar sort: I just recently learned about Human Design and I’m a little obsessed already. Unfortunately, I can’t afford a full reading yet but hope to soon. It’s definitely something to look into if you’re into these types of things.

Rock bottom – The pit

In order to find ones true self, it’s imperative that you take an objective look inward, at your past. There is no wrong way of doing this. We’re each on such a unique, individual path that we won’t necessarily have the same things come to mind. &Oh the mind! The mind fascinates me! I won’t say to trust your every thought. That would be ridiculous! I will say however, that every thought, IS there for a reason. Each one, no matter how quiet or persistent, holds important weight. We just have to figure out which thoughts need to be rightfully tossed, and which need to be balanced on the scale a bit. So, relax and ponder your past. From the earliest memory, up til right now. Take a notebook and pen and scribble it down. What comes to mind? How loud is that thought? How does it make you feel? What do you think about it? What are you going to do about it? Who do you want to be?

Now for my ramble:

I am 27 years old and life hasn’t been working to my liking. At all. I am a hoarder. Not of many material things, my house is actually quite empty right now. No, I collect emotions, memories, fears, heartaches and darkness. I’ve collected them all these years. Unfortunately, not just my own. I scrape up everyone else’s too but I’ve never known how to unload. That’s led me to my pit. I tried so hard, I love saying “my intentions have always been good, so why?” Like a pack mule, I was loaded down and just as hard headed. I trudged on, feet slapping the ground, never taking care of myself. It’s something, I naturally do. Put myself last (Really unhealthy btw.) Soon I began to creep, then crawl until it all went tumbling downhill. I gave up. I was done. Stuck at the bottom of a pit and feeling like I was actually digging down further to the core of the Earth. Where there is absolutely no light. I felt as if there was nothing that could be done! “I’ve tried everything and it doesn’t work. I deserve to die.” Truth is, I hadn’t tried everything. I have only tried what’s easy and what comes more naturally to me. What comes naturally, isn’t always your best choice. Crazy, right?

You guy’s, my give up was temporary. Or at least, it will be. I’m attempting to turn my “give up” into a complete surrender. To see what has proven time and time again not to work for me and rid myself of those habitual patterns. To learn what’s mine to carry and what isn’t. To simply learn my truth and finally be able to be at peace with myself.

So, here I am…. Sitting at the bottom of my pit with a gazillion things I’ve hoarded. If I use all that I currently have, surely I could build a ladder with them to climb out. Unfortunately, that would only lead me right back to where I don’t want to be. Instead, I have to unpack the useless weight, no matter how difficult and then pick positive things up to replace them as stepping stones. Slowly and surely, I will be lighter and have solid roots to cling to.

I hope I can at least give someone else the courage to turn their “give up” into a surrender. If I can do it, I promise you can too.